I'm a Silly Penguin!

why does this shit happen to me? and why do I make it bother me so much?

so worried

so sad

so upset

so confused

I have had quite the week. First of all I went to the doctor because I felt lumps in my left breast. The doctor said that I had Fibrocystic Breast Disease. I went to get a Ultra sound today and they said that they found no abnormal tissue. Well WTF! I don't get it my doctor said I have the thing and then this other doctor says I don't. All I know is that I have a huge sore swollen lumpy boob!

Today I found out that my friend Jordan is in the hospital. I am so worried about her. I sent her flowers, a balloon and a bear so I hope that it makes her smile :)
This is the 1st Survivor night in a long time without Jordan. I can't believe how much I have missed her this week. Sometimes it feels like we are dating...but not..you know what I mean...right?

The weirdest thing that happened this week was just a few minutes ago. I talked to my brother and he has finally talked to Mom. I guess she is hiding from the police fore various reasons. I know one reason is because of writing bad checks. Anyway, she has been to Borgess Hospital and I guess that she has Ovarian Cancer. I told me brother to tell her to call me. I think that she doesn't call me because she is afraid. I told him to tell her not to be scared to call me. I am keeping the past in the past and looking toward the future...I know that sounds dumb but whatever. He said that he knows that she would really like it if I was there for her surgery. I kinda hope she calls and I kinda hope she doesn't. Part of me wants to have a relationship with her and part of me says that is it too late for that. I think that if I decide to start a relationship with her it will be a lot of work and I will have to put a lot into it. I don't know if I am ready for that. But I don't think that I will ever be ready for it. but I am afraid that something will happen to her and I will regret not atleast trying to have a relationship with her or at least forgiving her. It bothers me that she always calls Ricky and never calls me. She says that she loves me but she was never there for me but always there for Ricky. And even when I tired to keep in contact with her she seemed to not want to. I wish she would just tell me the truth! I just want to know the Truth!

Yeah! Jordan just IMed me and said that she got her flowers and bear. They told me that she wouldn't get it until tomorrow. I am so glad that she got it tonight. I am glad that I could make her smile. She said that she loves the bear. She was going in for a CT scan and she said that she was going to take the bear with her....lol...she is so cute. Although, I would take it with me tooo :)

So Tony and I had a big fight this weekend. Every once in a while we have one of these and then we make up and things seem better between us then they had been before the fight. The fight was about the usual Sex issue. And there was some new things thrown in there too. I came up with the idea that we should have a date night once a week. It would be a night after work where we would make sure that we have nothing going on but being with eachother. I also had the idea of each week we would trade on how would plan the night. We are so bad at choosing what we want to do that I thought if only one person was responsible then it would work better...plus then it would be more romantic and exciting each week. We will see how it goes. We picked Monday mainly because we usually have something else going every other day in the week. Because we have no $ this week we are probably just going to stay home and I will probaly bring home take out.

I have had a pretty good week for once, and the week has gone by so fast. I won tickets on the radio to see the K wings for the Green Ice game. I wanted to go so bad and they were all sold out, but now I can go. I am taking Tony(of course), Jordan and Ana (who I am excited to meet for the 1st time). It will be a blast. I am thinking of trying green beer for the 1st time too!

Lisa Mollitor sent me a Myspace message yesterday. I couldn't believe it. I thought that she hated me so much that she would never speak to me again. It always bothered me that she stoped talking to me. We missed out on a lot of good times. I replied to her email and I hope that she keeps in contact. But if not atleast I know that she isn't mad at me anymore.

This week at work has been good too....I made a Home Buyers Guide for the LO's to give to realtors at open houses and it went over so well. Leah loved it and the branch manager, Scott did too. He had me make 30 of them for him yesterday. Everyone kept saying how great they were and saying how I did such a great job. It made me feel good :) Then today Amy,Scotts assistant, said that she wanted to tell me that Scott thinks that I am awesome! He thinks that I am doing a great job. That ment a lot to me too. Leah also keeps telling me how great I have been doing. I am so glad that I have this job. I am for once sooooo happy with my job. It has been so long since I have been happy at work and at home and with my whole life in general.

ok so...i have this friend that i am worried about. She seems to be going through a hard time but she doesn't seem to want to open up to me. I know that she has her other friends that are closer to her, but I try so hard to get to be more than just her hang out/watch tv friend and it just doesn't work. It is hard for me because I look for more in a friend sometimes than other people do, especially if I really care about them. I have been in her shoes once. I have gone through the things that she is going through now. I have been hurt by a boy more than anyone knows. I stll think about it and it still bothers me after 7 years. I have also lost friends because of stupid choices that I have made and I am afraid to lose another one. My best friend lives in Boston and I never get to see her...I wish it could be different. I should call her....why don't I? Maybe I am just looking to far into things again...I always do that shit and make things worse than they appear. I will just see what happens.

I haven't made a entry in a long long time. I just never seem to make time and I never know what to write about.

So, here are somethings that has happened:

cruise with Amerifirst: fun but weird
New job: awesome but a little overwhelming
Sick: Tony was sick and now I am
New faucet: about time!

Not too exciting I guess that it way I haven't made too many journal entry's.

I am so glad that it is Friday! This has been a crazy week with me starting my new job. next week will be even more crazy and stressful because i am going to try and do it all on my own and just have Lisa there as my back up. I have to make sure that I jump right in and do it myself or i will never do it. I am so nervous that i am going to screw something up....but i am sure that i will and it will be ok because that it how i am going to learn.

I hope that I have a good relaxing weekend because next week is going to be very hard on me. I think that I am going to go rent a movie, make smoothies, put my pj's on, maybe have a smoke and kick back and relax. Tony is working late tonight and Jordan is going out with DTR. So, I am all alone tonight. Which is good and bad. I will for sure miss my Friday night movie session with Jordan but I will get over it. I have to remember that she has a life outside of hanging with me all the time.

So, this whole PH thing sucks. I guess that we have to start tearing it down because they are going to level the building. On a business level I feel that i don't have to help but on a family level I feel that i should. I just don't know what to do. It sounds to me like a lot of people feel the way that I do with this whole deal. I just have no motivation to go help. I can't figure out why Laura and Tony didn't get on this faster. It has been almost 4 months since we PH was over and they waited for Bells to call us. Why in the Hell did they not start this sooner. Now, they give us this dead line that is ASAP! I CAN'T STAND PH ANYMORE! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

I hate it that I feel obligated to do something that I hate to do just because it is family. I don't want them to hate me because I don't want to do PH. This is there dream not mine. I have put up with it for 5 years and enough is enough. I have a job now this is very important to me and I have to save my energy for that. They think that we can all just drop our lives to do PH. They have to know that we have REAL jobs (ie.don't work for ourselves) like they do. Enough with the bitching. sorry :(

I had dinner with my dad yesterday. That was nice. I called to tell him about my new position with AmeriFirst and he offered to buy me dinner. I know that my dad and I have a weird relationship and we are not very close, but it is nice just to take the time to have some dinner and catch up with each other...he is my dad for god sake.

Jordan asked her friends to make a top 20-50 list of the things that make me happy or smile. so here they are:

1.Survivor makes me REALLY happy.
2.Tony makes me REALLY REALLY happy.
3.I love to get good attention.
4.Boobs make me happy.
5.My doggies make me happy.
6.Getting letters or notes makes me happy.
7.Coming home and having a suprise make me happy.
8.Buying things for people makes me smile.
9.Buying things for me makes me happy.
10.Seeing Adam Sandler makes me smile.
11.Sleeping and being lazy makes me happy.
12.Pot makes me smile.
13.Not having to go to work makes me Very Happy.
14.Cuddling makes me happy.
15.Kissing makes me happy.
16.Having a zit clear face makes me happy.
17.Not having to drive makes me sooooo happy.
18.Eating makes me happy.
19.A clean house makes me happy.
20.Having people do things for me makes me happy.
21.Roller coasters make me happy.
22.Being clean makes me happy.
23.Having people like me makes me happy.
24.Cute butts make me happy.
25.Being in the dark makes me happy.

This is all I can think if. I hope this is what you were looking for. Stay tuned...I am thinking about some other top ten lists to put together.

Robyn doesn't start her 1st day back until 10am so i am stuck answering the phones again this morning. i always hate mondays. it seems like the weekends always go way to fast.

yesterday Tony and I went to Nina's for breakfast which is always my favorite start to my Sunday morning. then he got his hair cut and then we just went home and hung out. then Jordan came over to watch the L Word. she had to leave before it was over so i have to remember what happened so i can tell her what she missed.

sometimes i am writing in this journal and i think to myself "should i really put down that thought". i am afraid to write the truth sometimes because i am nervous about someone else reading it. so what it the point of these journals if i can't speak the truth. i could just make the entry's private. but then what do i make private and what do i make public? i have so many things right now that i want to get off my chest but i just can't seem to make myself do it. i don't want anyone reading these entry's thinking of me in any other way than they all ready know me. if that makes any since at all.
i don't even think that Tony would even ever read this. i told him about it but i know that he would never think of looking at it. me, on the other hand...if i knew he was writing i journal i would read it in a sec. i would always be thinking that he would be writing stuff about me or about someone else in him life that maybe i didn't know about. i know in my heart that he would never cheat on me but i still worry about it. and when i have thoughts of other people i feel guilty because i feel like just thinking about someone else in any other way than a friend is like cheating when it really isn't. but if i knew that he was thinking of someone else in a way other than a friend i would be so mad and hurt. but do i have the right? i am just talking out my ass i guess. you know who actually reads this crap. how actually cares about what i have to say....

i am feeling a bit on the sick side today. tony and i were going to go to a hockey game today but tony said that we didn't have to if i wasn't feeling well. the k wings are playing fort wayne. i really wanted to go but tony insisted that we just stay home...which is weird because usually he practically forces me to go out if i don't want to. i have a feeling he just wants to stay home and be with me alone. we haven't done that in a while. tony and i don't really like to just hang out just the 2 of us. we always like to have people over or go out in groups. is that weird that we don't do things just the 2 of us?

jordan came over last night. we had a good time. smoked a lot....tried it in the black light which was really neato, but i little hard to handle under the influence.